Monday, December 15, 2008

Goodbye 2008

Well I must say, I am not sad to see the back of that one!!!

It's not been the best year in my history but now it's time to move on. This year I have decided to find out 'who I really am'.

I loved my Mum, make no mistake, but she never was one to show affection and I know that nothing I ever did made her proud or met with her approval. As a consequence to that I spent most of my time playing things safe for fear of getting 'that' look, which considering I am almost 50 is a very sad state of affairs really. Strangely it has left me in a sort of limbo, I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone she wanted me to be instead of myself, I have no idea of 'myself' anymore.

If you were to ask me today what sort of a person I was, I would tell you very unconfident. God forbid that I have to go for a job interview, even asking the bank for some money instills the fear of god into me, but I want that to change. I have got to build my confidence in situations that have previously made me tremble with fear.

My first goal is to let people know when they have pissed me off instead of just smiling and saying it doesn't matter, because, quite frankly, it does! I feel there are some people close to me who are trying to take over where my Mum left off and although that may be a very paranoid view, it is a view that I have and its time to nip it in the bud. I am the master of my own destiny.

Also I have to get over this conflict within myself about my Mum. I am sure it is all part of the grieving process, because she could have been a lot worse Mother than some peoples and if my back was against the wall, she did help me. BUT one half of me misses her and the other doesn't think about her at all and its the not thinking about her at all that causes me a lot of guilt and distress.

In the latter years of her life she didn't do much except sit on the sofa day in and day out and let my Dad run around after her. She had all her faculties but the people 'outside' had a far different view of her than, we, her family had. So should I be distressed at not missing that side of her? Of course not, so that is lesson 1. for today. I can think these things about her and still love her and I don't have to miss her 'bad' ways and just accept thats how she was.


Sharon J said...

Yes, you MUST nip it in the bud if you think anybody else is taking over where your mum left off. I know from experience just how easy it is to let that happen and you just end up losing yourself even further. We are who we are and either people accept and love us for that or they don't.

As for feeling guilty... you can love somebody all of the time without necessarily always liking them. Your mum was who she was, now it's your turn to be who you are.

Love you xx

Akelamalu said...

Ah 'that look' - I remember it well from my own mother. :(

I was heartbroken when my Mum died but (and I know this will sound terrible)I found myself thinking "I'm glad it was my Mum and not my Dad". :0

Be you now Carol. x