Goodbye 2008

Well I must say, I am not sad to see the back of that one!!!

It's not been the best year in my history but now it's time to move on. This year I have decided to find out 'who I really am'.

I loved my Mum, make no mistake, but she never was one to show affection and I know that nothing I ever did made her proud or met with her approval. As a consequence to that I spent most of my time playing things safe for fear of getting 'that' look, which considering I am almost 50 is a very sad state of affairs really. Strangely it has left me in a sort of limbo, I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone she wanted me to be instead of myself, I have no idea of 'myself' anymore.

If you were to ask me today what sort of a person I was, I would tell you very unconfident. God forbid that I have to go for a job interview, even asking the bank for some money instills the fear of god into me, but I want that to change. I have got to build my confidence in situations that have previously made me tremble with fear.

My first goal is to let people know when they have pissed me off instead of just smiling and saying it doesn't matter, because, quite frankly, it does! I feel there are some people close to me who are trying to take over where my Mum left off and although that may be a very paranoid view, it is a view that I have and its time to nip it in the bud. I am the master of my own destiny.

Also I have to get over this conflict within myself about my Mum. I am sure it is all part of the grieving process, because she could have been a lot worse Mother than some peoples and if my back was against the wall, she did help me. BUT one half of me misses her and the other doesn't think about her at all and its the not thinking about her at all that causes me a lot of guilt and distress.

In the latter years of her life she didn't do much except sit on the sofa day in and day out and let my Dad run around after her. She had all her faculties but the people 'outside' had a far different view of her than, we, her family had. So should I be distressed at not missing that side of her? Of course not, so that is lesson 1. for today. I can think these things about her and still love her and I don't have to miss her 'bad' ways and just accept thats how she was.

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Sad News

I am very sad to say my Mum passed away on the 22nd of October. It was peaceful but obviously we all miss her. Newham general were brilliant to us as a family. So God Bless Mum, Safe Journey. xxx

Mum with Sian

Alive and Kicking

A friend of mine recently told me that she occassionally pops over to my blog and that I haven't been blogging much at all. Like I didn't know!! Ha!

The truth is, there is a lot of things going on at the moment, family things which I don't want to bore people with and as this is probably not the most popular blog in the universe I have let things slide.

I must, though, sing the praises of the NHS. Until recently my Mum (82) , who is terminally ill, had been given quite a raw deal. It seemed that basically, she had been left at home to cope with dying without any medial intervention. The district nurse came in as and when, her GP was, and remains to be, utterly attrocious. I went to the GP way back in March and asked that she got a referral to MacMillan and was told that she would be referred when she was on her death bed. Wrong!!

A few weeks back my Mum was admitted to hospital with a chest infection. Quite frankly the word 'Newham General' conjours up all sorts of mental pictures for the residents of Newham, the first one being dirty and grotty. But I have to say that over the last few weeks of visiting I have seen a great improvement. It looks clean and the staff although busy, seem to take time with the patients. Better still, the social services and occupational therapist have swung into action to ensure she gets home as soon as possible with as much help as possible. Mum has been admitted to a lovely new ward where the facilities are great and with the help of my Dad she will be home soon. Better still the registrar has referred her to MacMillan so hopefully now we can get some practical help and bolster up my Mums confidence. Ultimately the end will come for her, but thankfully she will now not feel abandoned by the medical profession. So thanks Newham General, I eat my words, lets hope the GP takes note!!!

Update

O.k O.k. Yes I have been very naughty, but I have been very busy, so here is a Sian update.



Baby with attitude